I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I see people who remind me of myself everywhere. Taking responsibility for what is not theirs to take.
I will admit to getting better at this, as I have been aware and working on this for a long time, but old habits die hard. When you are a coach you learn fast not to take responsibility for your client’s successes because they have to do the work for themselves. If I don’t let them take the responsibility (it is their lives and their actions to take), I set myself up for heartbreak and frustration.
The same goes for you in your life. Some people are proudly “fixers, arrangers, solutioners (I know that is not a word, but they are real) and that is where they derive their worth. Most of the worth they might feel from this is short lived and replaced by bad feelings coming from those who did not want their help or solutions. Just this week I had two people let me know that I was following accounts on Instagram that they didn’t think I should be following. Just imagine how I felt for a minute. Are you doing this to others in some way? I felt judged, watched, questioned- guess what- I did not invite their opinions. Could they have asked me instead a few open questions out of curiosity? Might we have had a conversation? Maybe. One was a close friend and one had no wherewithal to be reaching out to me in that way. They were way out of their lane. “Just trying to be helpful taking responsibility for everyone else.”
If you want to form good relationships with people, how do you want to show up? How will you connect with them? Do you think judging or telling them what you think they should be doing is going to draw them in or push them away?
If people aren’t asking, then you are not invited. Wait for the invitation. If you really think you know better than them about their own lives (we don’t really, hardly ever would this be true), then ask permission to share an idea of perspective. Most of the time people just want your time and attention, to be heard and listened to, not told what to do.
What to do? First, ask yourself, “am I trying to prove my worth to myself or others by having answers?” Then “are they actually asking me for my input?” From the first question, there is good personal growth work to do there. Be kind to yourself- you developed this way of thinking and believing for a reason. It will take a little bit of your time and attention used toward yourself to untangle it. To see and feel your worth in many other ways.
From the second question– if the answer is “no!”, bite your tongue and listen. You are here to be in charge of your own life, no one else’s- of course there are outliers- small kids and people who are actually dependent upon you to take care of them.
What’s in it for you when you curb this behavior and eventually let it go? Freedom. Are you interested in that? I am!! You have time to think about your own best life. Do you have it all together? If not, where would you like to spend time becoming your best self? Aaaah. That sounds like so much more fun!
Take responsibility for your own thoughts, words, actions, decisions. Take responsibility to create your best week, filled with activities that you love. Let other people have their week and their own path.
Next level? If someone does come to you asking for your opinion, ask a few questions first? What are you already considering? What have you already tried? What do you think would be the next best thing? What are the pros and cons?
I try hard to not make the decisions for anyone- I don’t want that kind of responsibility. Recently my 21 year old son had a big decision to make- he really wanted me to tell him what to do- I nearly fell right into the trap a few times as he kept asking. I truly wanted him to own this decision as it would change the course of his life. I asked him- what are the pros and cons? He ended up writing three lists of pros and cons for three possible solutions and the answer became clear to him. These lists were spectacular! There was no wrong answer, there was just one that was a bit better not just now, but in the long run. Now we all get to feel good about that.
Help people, hold the door, do surprise favors, but don’t take on what isn’t yours. And don’t make people feel judged by telling them that you know better for their life than they do.Even if you do it nicely, this is the message that you send. If you are guilty of this- celebrate that you know now and you can start to make different decisions. Let them own their own life by learning that they do have their answers and learning from their mistakes. That is how we grow as human beings.
So let all of the important people know that you love them and are there for them if they need you. (More than likely they already know this.)
And then……
Set yourself free!