As I have worked on my version of blooming all month long, my attention has most been drawn to what gets in the way for me.
I am pretty good at doing the things that fill me with life- doing the things I love to do, healthy habits, fresh air and sunshine- you, too? Sometimes I do wonder what would happen if I didn’t do all of those things? What would my life look like then?
Because even though I do those things CONSISTENTLY, sometimes my life still feels like a struggle. My inner life.
I have really opened my eyes to this in September.
My idea of blooming is flourishing, bringing things to fruition that I have been working on, coming to some conclusions and final results in some areas. Basically putting it all together and it shows- because that is what everyone sees is the bloom, right?
The point, actually, was not that anyone notices, but if they were paying attention they would. The point was for me to feel things coming together and tying up in a bow with a clear direction to move forward and some projects, goals and dreams checked off the list.
(You will be hearing in the not too distant future what some of those things are for me. The big ones will be apparent and the little ones may only me known by my closest friends.)
Okay- all of that is good.
YET
I have been feeling that something is holding the bloom back from being its fullest and most beautiful.
I have thought about it, prayed, written and tossed it around, let it go, taken classes, read books and after several weeks I have concluded.
It is all fear. Some real, some made up. Much of it boils down to fear and uncertainty of the future. Fear of trusting comes in there, too. What can we trust. This was all under the surface for me. Some big fear and some little sneaky fear.
THIS was not readily seen by me or by anyone, until I started talking with a few people about something I have been wanting to do for years, having it all planned out and then wanting to cancel it.
This made me look at the subconscious fears that have crept in over the past months. After all, I did have my whole year planned out and it was a GREAT plan, too! That plan did not work out, and it is the case this year for most of us.
In order to bloom, to the fullest, we need to be willing to go deep. To really look closely at what is going on. In my case some of it is about the pandemic, but a lot of it is from my past! Way back past, childhood past and I had put it behind me long ago. I thought.
The thing is, fears can lurk around in you unknown unless you look on purpose.And question. Once I was willing and did it, then I was able to ask-
Is that true?
What is truer than that?
How did that fear save me in the past?
How am I benefitting from keeping that fear alive now?
I decided to look with curiosity. And I am able to make sense, let go and decide what I want to do with these fears.
Do not discount the help of a good therapist if this is too hard to do on your own, or if you realize you’ve experienced trauma.
These are the things keeping us from being our absolute best selves. Fear is good and keeps us safe. Sometimes. And sometimes fear is just stopping us and it doesn’t really make any sense.
We end up not reaching our potential and we are plagued with a lot of needless suffering. We don’t have to suffer. It is a habit that we come by honestly, just like everything else we do consistently.
Get ready to boost your courage and get a team of support around you if needed. Make a list of all of the possible fears you may have- even if you think they are ridiculous. They are real. Once you write the list out, you will already start to get clarity.
Two books I always suggest in this area and especially this year are:
Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron
and
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers
Here’s to kicking our fears out of 2020 and beyond!